I Swallowed a Pear

Pt brought to ED by BLS presents with what appears to be a partial airway obstruction. Pt is unable to speak clearly, coughing profusely but O2 stats are fine. According to EMT pt “swallowed a pear”. Upon further questioning it sounds as if the pt is stating he swallowed a pear. When asked to clarify pt denies swallowing a pear and then makes a lewd gesture with his hands and tongue. As it turns out pt was performing cunnilingus and swallowed a “pubic hair” which is now caught in his throat.

Really, work release?

Last week while working in the ED I wore dark blue scrub pants and light blue scrub top. A pt stopped me in the hall and said, "Those are Lardo (a local prison) colours. You on work release or something?"

'DBS' or Douche Bag Syndrome

I am going to coin a new medical diagnosis. It will be called 'DBS' or Douche Bag Syndrome.
Signs and symptoms will include, but not limited to;

• using the cell phone while medical providers are trying to perform care, 
• Stating that their minor pain is "10 out of 10", or even higher. 
• Demanding to be moved via wheelchair even if they are ambulatory. 
• Listing every non-narcotic pain medication on their allergy list. 
• Demanding specific tests, procedures or medications that are contraindicated based on their condition.
• wears pajama pants in public
• Fingers are orange from Flaming Hot Cheetos, while complaining about abd pain

arachnid-injectous

I get pt with abscesses all the time. Often people confuse these skin infections with spider bites, specifically brown recluse spider bites. THERE ARE NO BROWN RECLUSES IN CALIFORNIA. that being said the most common cause of abscesses, that are blamed on spiders, from a certain demographic are actually from this specimen, the "arachnid-injectous"

Sticks and Stones

New Medical Diagnosis: Wheelchair Induced Drama

New Medical Diagnosis: Wheelchair Induced Drama (WID)

Signs and symptoms include: Pt is ambulatory until placed in a wheelchair, at this point the pt is unable to even stand up w/o significant assistance. Pt's minor symptoms often become much more aggravated and magnified. Pt often begins to complain of needing to “lie down” and of requiring additional narcotic pain medications. Allowing the patient to lie down, even temporarily, usually results in “nesting”, in which the pt then refuses to exit the gurney w/o the administration of pain medication and/or talking to the doctor. 

WID seems to be directly related to WCA (White Coat Angina) and Triple I (aye, aye, aye!)